the gospel destroys rudeness

this post is taken from the sermon "Love Is Not Rude" from 1 Corinthians 13. 
the audio version is available in russian here.

 

today we’re gonna look at what rudeness is, why we are rude with others, and how to uproot rudeness.

first of all: what is it?  sociologists and psychologists define rudeness as a “violation of human dignity” (we could clarify, usually a minor one, otherwise it’s called something different.)  it is essentially a lack of respect and attentiveness to others, for the feelings of others, possibly for the rights of others.  it's not usually an intentional cruelty, but a result of you considering your own thoughts, opinions, feelings more important than the other person’s.  rudeness is the manifestation of selfishness and pride in our relationships.  when we’re rude to others, we’re essentially saying “the way i act, communicate, understand, is right and anyone who doesn’t like it can just get over it.”  when we are rude with others, we show that what is of greatest importance is ME.  i did this to my wife just the other day.  we were having a conversation about something, and i answered her rudely.  not cause i was mad, not trying to be cruel, but as she was honest and expressed that i had hurt her, she pointed out totally correctly that in our conversation, my opinion was more important to me than she was at that moment.  totally right.  i had to repent. 

think about when we're usually rude: when were in a rush, late (i know i do this) and someone gets in our way, we brush them aside or bark at them.  what i'm saying is  “my obligations/plans are more important than you, so i'm not gonna consider your feelings.”  when we are upset, angry, etc., we can easily pour out our rudeness on another.  we are essentially saying that our situation or feelings are more important than the other person.  again, it's not that it's intentional cruelty (usually).  rather, it's based on our pride.  love doesn’t do this!  do you?

here it says “love isn’t rude”.  we can state it positively, though here it’s stated negatively: “love always counts the thoughts, feelings, opinions of others as just as important as it’s own.”  in fact, more important.  this is why Scripture says “let each one esteem others better than himself.”  do you REALLY consider others above yourself?  do you consider ANYONE better?  if you haven’t noticed, this is incredibly difficult!  because it applies to ALL people: those who are very different from us, very sensitive in comparison to us, and those who are rude to us!  love doesn’t write anybody off, thinking “well, they’re just strange and that’s their problem.”  maybe they are strange.  so are you!  that conclusion is back to saying that “my feelings, preferences and strangeness are more important than theirs.” probably the most difficult to not be rude to those who are rude to us.  how hard is it when someone is rude and insulting not to answer back w/ the same?  very!  because when a person is being rude to us, it’s actually a subtle attack on our worth as a person.  that person is implying that you aren't as important as he is!  our lack of assurance flares up and we are rude back, trying to prove our worth by belittling theirs.  the reason we are so outraged is we are terribly afraid that they might be right, that we aren't as important, that we have no worth. 

see, ultimately, rudeness towards others is an attempt to establish our own worth at the expense of another's dignity.  the reason we feel compelled to prove our worth at the cost of someone else is because we are unsure of our worth.  when we feel our worth is under attack, we defend it viciously namely because we ourselves are not sure of it.  this is why we also tend towards rudeness when we are accused of something.  we defend ourselves, being rude to the accuser and attempting to justify our worth.

but here there is a danger of a false conclusion: “okay, so we should only ever say things that are pleasant to hear and sweet and could never offend someone.”  too many christians think that this is how love treats others, how we should, maybe some of you.  not so!  understand, Proverbs says a lot about sweet words that are spoken from hatred (flattery) and also how sometimes sharp words/rebuke is the evidence of true love.  read just one place, ch. 27: “Open rebuke is better Than love carefully concealed. Faithful are the wounds of a friend, But the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.”  if you are so careful to never say anything to offend, and you are focused on saying only sweet things and that’s most important, you need to know you’re not loving others.  you’re loving yourself.  you’re flattering others, probably to gain acceptance from them and you don’t care about telling them the truth, helping them grow.  so ,what you need to see is that "rudeness" as we've defined it here (from an attempt to establish our own worth at expense of another) is NOT the same as offending someone out of love.  in fact love, at times, demands that we speak strong words or we are not really loving.  rudeness is not the same thing as severity.  what is the difference between these two?

well, if you’re still unsure that love must be severe at times, let's look at how Jesus spoke to the pharisees. Mt. 23:27-33  is Jesus "rude"?  you say, “well, it was probably offensive.”  yes, it was, they killed Him it was so offensive.  but is it rude?  have to look at the motive: is He saying this out of a desire to prove His worth at the expense of theirs?  not at all!  on the contrary, He is saying it so they can find their worth in the grace of God, but for that to happen, they have to abandon their mentality of "worth-by-works".   rudeness to others ultimately flows from the underlying belief that my worth is bound up in my thoughts, feelings, actions and that those are of more importance than someone else.  Christ was never rude, though He did, because of love, at times speak strong words that caused offense for those who didn’t want to receive them.

now, we talked about those who are afraid to offend and prone to flatter others, lie, etc.  some are on that extreme.  others of you are on the other end: you’re not afraid to say anything that could offend.  if the other extreme is powdered sugar, you are vinegar.  and you would take the passage from Mt. and try to justify how you offend people.  you’d say “see, i’m just being a prophet like Jesus.  i tell it like it is.”  no, you’re probably being a jerk.  especially, if that’s your usual approach to people.  you see, Jesus was also very gentle and patient and loving with people, especially those who were broken sinners. He was even often kind to Pharisees.  but this was an instance where Jesus spoke some hard truth, some strong words and conviction, NOT because He was trying to prove his own rightness and worth, but to draw the Pharisees to repentance.  but if that’s your usual approach, you’re just a jerk, rude.  you care more about proving yourself and being right than about others and you’re not walking in the truth of the gospel.  before you apply your “strong words” to others, check your heart before God to see if it’s cause you actually care about helping them, or you just want to prove your own worth.  a doctor from time to time will cut a patient to help him, but a psychopath will cut anyone without discretion for his own sick pleasure.  how do you use cutting words?

Jesus was never rude, never cut another down to lift Himself up, prove worth.  He always considered the other person, was attentive to their feelings/thoughts and put them above Himself.  this is what it means that Jesus came as a servant: one who considers the other above Himself.  He was not afraid to offend in love, though He knew they'd respond only with rudeness (and a lot worse), and yet He didn’t turn to rudeness in return.  why?  because He had heard the Voice of His Father "THIS is my beloved Son, in whom is my delight".  His worth was solidly grounded in the Father's love for Him.  He didn’t need to prove His worth at cost of others.  therefore, He was ready to try to point others to their worth in God, though they would respond with rudeness (and deliberate cruelty).  He was willing to go to the Cross and give his life, that they and we might break free from the trap of basing our worth in competition and our works.  you see, the Cross of Jesus itself is the final and only statement we need about how much we are worth before God; so much so that He would give His one and only Son, the Beloved, so that we could be His children.  our worth is confirmed at the expense of Jesus, not by our comparison, but by His own willing sacrifice for us.

when we see that and cease to base our worth on what we do, what we think, our feelings and opinions, then we will also cease to live in rudeness, attempting to compete w/ others.  we won’t need to do that anymore!  we don’t have to establish our worth at the expense of others, because Jesus established our worth at His own expense!  if we are still living in rudeness to others and competition, it is a sign that we are basing our worth on something other than the Cross, though that is the only basis we need.  on the other hand, if we believe the Gospel, that we have immeasurable worth to God as He suffered immeasurably for us, we will not turn into smarmy christians who never say anything that could offend.  we, in love, will speak words of conviction when necessary, words that may be painful to the hearer, but only for their good, not for our own.  not to boost our worth, but that they would root theirs in Jesus instead of themselves.  not only this, but we will be free from the rudeness that results when we try to defend our guilt.  the Cross tells us we ARE guilty, but that we have been forgiven.  that we need not defend and justify ourselves, in fact we MUST NOT justify ourselves, because He has already justified us. 

now, one can find the rare individual who, for reason of personal success, popularity, religious performance or some other false basis, is supremely confident of their own worth. (the Pharisees were in this group).  their attitude may grow to a pride beyond the simple competition of rudeness because they consider themselves in a higher class than most people.  this kind of pride breeds a patronizing condescension towards others which may be mistaken for true mercy when it is an extreme form of pride. it is actually a settled form of rudeness that thinks it has already proved it’s worth over others.  the attitude of “how sad that you’re so far below me.”  there are some so-called Christians that have this very attitude towards unbelievers or others they see as far below them spiritually and it passes for mercy when it is not at all.  it’s a sign you’re a Pharisee.  but the Gospel destroys this kind of condescending.  we are made confident by the Cross that we are of immeasurable worth to God, but at the same time the Gospel humbles us because it says that this worth we have is God’s gift, not what we’ve earned.  that others around us are of just as much worth because Christ died for all men.  the Cross therefore destroys rudeness and it’s worst form, condescension, setting us free to truly consider others better than ourselves.